Toska

'No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.' ~Vladimir Nobakov

Toska

By: Akhilesh Agarwal

(i) Take me home No, drag me By my skin and bones Pull off my clothes Let the sand burn through I am greedy To feel the threshold pass me I will hold all your chains Until you feel I am worthy.

(ii) Open-mouthed star, sleeping galaxy Shake away the dust, let meteors fall You can strip away layer each And still have parts left to reach.

(iii) Fathoms deep, the ocean fills me Occupying sinuses, coagulating my being But with every breathe I heave I only hope you embrace me.

The Normal Nothing

The Normal Nothing

By: Akhilesh Agarwal

Mother, when I come home,

I won’t be true, I won’t be clean

I will hold myself

With the silence in between

And mother, could you smile

For a fleeting moment

Soon enough, your son shall die

After he sees the swallows fly 

He shall kiss himself between the bridge of his nose

He shall sing himself all his favourite notes

Mother, could you feel the goodbye

Like some air sucked out of an abandoned room

He left his teardrops beneath that cabinet

Could you check and see if they have dried

Or if they still cake his face, stuffed in a bag

And you are miles away, looking away.

Hail and Quivers

'Memories warm you up from the inside. but they also tear you apart.' ~Haruki Murakami, Kafka On The Shore.

This poem is vaguely inspired by a book I recently read, 'Never Let Me Go' by Kazuo Ishiguro. The book left a very deep impression on me and I feel the aforementioned quote summarises the book and the poem perfectly.

Hail and Quivers

By: Akhilesh Agarwal

In our isolation was a sense of freedom

We stood at land’s edge and felt home

You wrestled your way into me

And l didn't remember a time before anymore

Your body was, no doubt, wasting

Breaking like an old beaten boat

But your eyes were all stars and sugar

And glazing over with the thought of time

The eternity stood in wind, hushed and quiet

But you could feel it crawling your way up your spine

You grabbed at your cord and pulled down

And fell, fell deeper into the recesses of my mind. 

Lasting Hours

Speak in silence so that we are never misunderstood.

Lasting Hours
By: Akhilesh Agarwal

Tell me your every thought and we will bury them in these walls
This world can never see us or hear us talk
We will speak in the language of water
So that our words flow away with every syllable
We will huddle under the arches when it pours
And dissolve the truth in the muddy waters

We will claw at them, tear apart every brick together
And when we can’t find our words, we can’t find ourselves
We will lie silent in the tombs we build of empty bricks
And enshrine our ground to a brand new glory.

Skin Deep

'The only heaven I will be sent to is when I am alone with you.' ~Take Me To Church, Hozier
Skin Deep
By: Akhilesh Agarwal

I was not an irony when I said touch me
When I looked at you, you know me
It was reality when I yearned for your touch
Instead of being haphephobic

I interlock my arms into a shape
I think would fit around your waist
You don’t dare, you say
I say touch me

I am a stripped sky
Let your fingers trace all the clouds
Let the sparks form the stars
I could hold your lush within me
My back has a valley and face plateaus
These freckles are your directions
Reach deeper than I allow
And take all my parts to keep
When you, someday, touch me.

Earnest

'Be careful, you are not in wonderland. I have heard the strange madness long growing in your soul but you are fortunate in your ignorance, your isolation. You, who have suffered, find where love hides, give, share, lose, 'lest we die unbloomed.' ~Kill Your Darlings
Earnest
By: Akhilesh Agarwal

Father, these bones have aged
Even though the world is not as nearly as cruel
As it was to you, oh dear father
These bones are done, as they kneel in your presence
I close my eyes, heave a sigh
Asking you to take me home and sing to me
Like you used to when I was born in winter
With the crush of leaves, your wrinkled eyes
Smiled the widest when I held your heart
You held me like I was china, I loved you
I love you, father. Come back and forgive me
For I got exhausted so early
This world may be an unforgettable melody
But it is your every breath that is music to me.

Burnt Shades

Whatever happens, I hope we always find our way back to each other. 

Burnt Shades

By: Akhilesh Agarwal

Lover, where have you been?

I have been waiting, below this sky green

My thoughts wander, I lose you sometimes

You go out of my meanderings, you remain

In this heart, in this vision, in these hopes

Come back, I can’t take the pain

I come back to you with every breath I take

I come back to you because of every word you said

Lover, is it beautiful where you are?

Is it as warm and familiar as the skin of my palm?

It has been so long, my skin is dry and taut now

The crooks in my shoulders don’t feel quite right

The shape of my toes don’t feel quite right either

Lover, maybe I need you to see myself

Do this at least, come back a moment

And whisper to me, you are disappearing.